Poppy D. Cat

Finally! Cats Infiltrate the Music Industry...

Next stop: Hollywood!

The Enemy has Arrived!!

Meee-theywillpay!-oowww! Do you recall my previous report regarding the canine expected to spend the holidays at my home, per an unapproved-by-me agreement between my ladyperson and an acquaintance? You will NOT believe what has since occurred...

On what started as a pleasant day, I arose from my late-afternoon nap (the one I take after watching ‘Jeopardy’) and proceeded to the front door to meet my ladyperson as she returned home from her workplace. Normally at such time and after an authoritative nudge from me, she tends to my food and drink needs. However on this occasion, I could hear much commotion in the garage from where my ladyperson was and I detected the scent that no cat should ever be forced to incur: D-O-G!! Even worse yet, she dared to be so bold as to bring the creature into my home without my permission. She used the flimsy excuse of thinking it would be a good idea if the horrid beast and I became acquainted prior to the impending Christmas visit.

As you can imagine, my evening plans of relaxing while watching my favorite Animal Planet television show “It’s Me or the Dog” were instantly shattered. That infantile creature pursued me unashamedly, even when I escaped to the sanctity of my own backyard.

And so I was reminded – once again – that my ladyperson and manperson cannot be trusted and are simply here to insert discomfort into my otherwise calm existence. But not to worry: while the smelly beast was confined to the bizarre portable dwelling that his own manperson provided for this ‘visit’, I reminded him in my own not-so-subtle nature that this was indeed my home and under no circumstances will he be allowed to return.

If he’s a smart dog (<--- quite the oxymoron, eh?), he will advise his own manperson that he prefers to stay home for the holidays. I will keep you posted….

Say It Isn't So!

Meeeoowwchh!! Generally, I tune out any bits of conversation between my ladyperson and manperson because quite frankly, they rarely have anything to say that: #1) I find interesting or #2) I don't already know. Until this evening, that is ...

I would like to think I was merely dreaming or otherwise distracted but I believe my ladyperson mentioned a house guest for the Christmas holidays. Normally I would be thrilled because obviously this would mean extra gifts for me. But it seems that the 'guest' she was referring to is, oh, how it pains me to say this ... a dog! She went on and on and on about how cute the dog is and how friendly and playful and smart he is. Blah, blah, blah. So this is what happens when I let my guard down? I foolishly gave them credit for understanding the primary rule of our residence: I make all of the rules of the house!

Apparently, an acquaintance of theirs is the manperson of said canine and intends to travel a great distance during the holidays. Since dogs know nothing about travel other than how to get from bed to dinner bowl, to water bowl, outside for a stretch and bark, then back to bed, it is obvious that the dog can not accompany him. And so begins my current mission.

I must improve my attentiveness and gather every bit of information about this creature who thinks he will be vacationing in my home. Of course, my manperson and ladyperson can not know of the investigation I am launching that will include 24-hour surveillance on them and their conversations. I must learn all I can about this canine, particularly his weaknesses. Although surely that list would be never-ending and thereby take entirely too much energy to produce. He is a just a dog, after all.

Today's Complaint: The Ceiling Fans are Drying out my Contact Lenses!

MeeeeI'veHadEnoughooooww! Just because it's summer and the temperature outside is a sweltering 98 degrees, MUST every room in my home be victimized by a ceiling fan whirling at top speed? I've already lodged a complaint about my ladyperson not keeping the indoor climate of my home at a temperature appropriate for a luxuriously fur-coated specimen such as myself. I suppose in her quest to appease me, she assumed helicopter-speed ceiling fans would make all the difference. Guess what? She's wrong!!

The whirlwinds created by the spinning fans prompt my contact lenses to dry a bit and I fear I might lose some of my effectiveness as windowsill decor (squinting is not a good look for any cat.) But I will be the mature one and accept this inconvenience as yet another challenge in my mission to educate the persons I live with. Perhaps I can purchase them a book on the subject? No, wait: I don't have the time to read it to them. Sigh.

You CAN Teach an Old Ladyperson New Tricks!

Meeeyummyoowww! I can't believe it, but I may - I said may - have finally trained my ladyperson one more lesson in how to properly tend to a cat. Granted, we are moving in babysteps, but this is big.

You see, she used to find it acceptable to feed me kitty treats by (it pains me to say this ...) tossing them on the carpet. But I devised a plan to 'coach' her into showing some manners: I'd hold a kibble in my mouth, allow it to absorb a sufficient amount of saliva, then place the moist snack on her bed pillow. After waaay too many kibbles were wasted this way, she has accepted that the only proper way to feed me kitty snacks is from the palm of her hand. I nibble, I crunch, and it's gone. Just like that ... No more carpet fuzz on my tongue!!

Maybe there is hope for my ladyperson and manperson after all! Well, maybe not my manperson: I fear that one may be untrainable. In fact, I'm certain he's got some canine in him. Ugh.

I'm Minty Fresh and Ready for Action!

MeeeeI'mSoSmartoooww! As if simply being me was not effective enough, I've discovered yet another way to woo the female kitties: if I happen to 'casually' send some minty fresh breath their way, they are smitten beyond belief. This is especially effective poolside where there is always an ample supply of sunbathing kitties hungering for a refreshing breeze. One strategically targeted exhale and the bikini-adorned kitties are all mine!

Now if I can just get my ladyperson to open the sweet treats in advance for me. Although I'd probably have to teach her how (that double-twist action of the cellophane wrapper is likely way too complicated for her ... Geeez).

Mirror, Mirror on the Wall....

MeeeeYouKnowTheRestooowww!

A Warning for All of My Cat Buddies:

Meeeooooow, all! The video above is very disturbing. It confirms the dangers of humans with too much disk space on their digital cameras and (obviously!) not enough hobbies. Ugh. Watch at your own risk!

Don't You Just Love Concrete in Springtime?

Meee-I Love Spring!-oowww! Aaaah, finally, the concrete on my patio is warm enough to savor. I've been watching it all winter, just waiting for the day I could warm my luxurious coat on sun-toasted concrete. Now this is living! If I can just keep pesky birds off of my patio, everything will be just fine. Yes, life is good. It is very good.

I Can't Believe They Made Me Open My Own Gifts!

MeeeeHappyHolidaysoooww! I am almost at full-recovery mode after the excitement of the Holidays. Although I did spend an excessive amount of $$$ on Christmas gifts but American Express and I will settle up later. It's just so hard to resist those sparkly kitty eyes when they sing, "Oh please, oh please can I have the one with sapphires??" You know what I'm talking about.

Now I'm sure my ladyperson and manperson were very proud of themselves for going to all the trouble to purchase dime store treats for me then to burden themselves by tying dainty bows on my 'gifts'. I was ready to accept that they will never truly understand me and a mancat's needs but then, just when I thought it was all I could bear, my ladyperson chants, "Open it, Poppy! Open your present!"

OK, I admit that I did humor her by pretending to gnaw on her feeble attempt at giftwrap. But believe me, as soon as her back was turned I tossed those gifts outside for my outside cat pals and proceeded to enjoy the gifts my understanding fellow felines showered me with. Gifts that truly say 'I Love Ya, Dude': a cashmere neck scarf ... some Johnny Walker Blue Label ... yeah, I know you're feelin' me.

A Bit o'Cat History

Meeeooowww! Did you know that the only creature allowed in ancient Roman temples were cats? No smelly dogs. No noisy parakeets. No annoying fish. Just cats. My ancestors! Aaaahhhh, what a glorious life my predecessors must have led!

Sigh.

Happy Holidays, All!

MeeeeI'mSoFullowwww!! Note to Self: "Renew Health Club Membership." I certainly hope you & yours are celebrating this holiday season in whatever manner brings the most fun and the greatests memories. Peace to all!

OK, I'm Sorry Already!

MeeeI'mSoFreakinInDemandooww! I very truly apologize for my negligence in keeping the world up to date on my goings-on but, Whew! If only you knew the drama in my household! There is school and a wedding - yes, I said a wedding but do NOT fear: the wedding is not mine so I am very much still on the market. But everyone is after me for advice and guidance! Whatever would my ladyperson do without me??! I shudder to think of the destruction this household might fall victim to. Ugh...!

I could say I've been working like a dog but, well, you know that is NOT my style. I must get thru this current round of tasks and then, surely then, I shall get back to the business of relaxing and being me and, more importantly, keeping you up-to-date on my happenings. After all, isn't that what you crave? Yeah, that's what I thought.

Stop the Insanity!!

Meeee-notmeantforsensitiveeyes-oowww! Someone MUST put an end to the constant harrassment of cats by hideous dogs! This is totally crossing the line. Therefore, I am hereby officially announcing my candidacy for World President of all things Feline.

We can not let this abuse continue. I implore all of my cat brethren to UNITE and BE STRONG! Together, we can do this!!

I Showed Her: I Will NOT Tolerate Unfresh ChowChow ~

Meeeooowwww! I do hope your Summer vacation is going well! I've been extremely busy: it seems that everybody has chosen to include me in their Summer festivities. I so wish that dear Paris Hilton would get over me and move on ... she's a cutie but she's simply not my type.

Anyhow, my ladyperson and manperson took a mini-vacation of their own and they got this crazy idea that it would be perfectly acceptable to leave me with one humongous bowl of chowchow whilst they were away.

First of all, I am apalled that they did not hire staff to tend to me in their absence. Secondly, what's with the day-old chowchow? Excuse me? But this problem was easily solved. Are you familiar with a hunger strike? Upon return from her 3-day vacation (camping in the mountains? Ugh...), my ladyperson was so alarmed by my refusal to dine from that massive pile of chowchow that she promptly disposed of the stale kibbles and placed in my dinner bowl the perfect amount of delectable fresh chow and she now carefully monitors and refills my dish only when necessary.

Little does she know that I truly did have ample treats to choose from in her absence: the party I held while they were vacationing was fully-catered so I had plenty of delectable items to keep me well-nourished. And speaking of well-nourished, you should have seen the fiesty kitty servers the caterer sent along to serve my guests. Well-nourished, indeed, if ya know what I mean (wink! wink!)

Just Checking In...

Meee-howzitgoin-ooww? I do hope you are enjoying your summer holiday as much as I am.

Whew! It's barely August and I've visited the coast twice, been on a Jamaican cruise (I certainly hope those photos never surface...), and I fear I have shattered more female kitty hearts than I can count on two paws. But, hey! That's simply how I roll ~

All of that, yet, the summer is young and smoldering hot ... as am I!

I Heard Them Talking About Me....

Meeee-whydoiputupwiththem-oowww??

It was a lovely, sunny afternoon today in my backyard. Warm and toasty yet a deliciously refreshing breeze wafted through. My ladyperson and manperson were taking advantage of the nice afternoon, as well, while they lounged in their lawn chairs with icy beverages.

Whilst I reclined in the soft grass, several HUGE bluejays gathered in the tree branches above me. Needless to say, I found them quite annoying. Enough so that eventually, I was forced to vacate my spot in the sun and retreat into the garden. Not to hide from the hideous birds but simply to avoid their senseless chattering.

And that's when I heard my manperson say, "C'mon, Rambo Kitty: catch the birds and eat em!!" He is so out of touch. The only pheasant I have ever dined upon were presented to me under glass.

Remind me again: why do I put up with these ... persons?? Ugh.

Taking Applications for a Housekeeper...

Meeee-idonotpickuptoys-oowww! This afternoon, I was headed for a sunny napping spot after playing with the cat toys in my toybasket when my ladyperson insisted that I PICK UP MY TOYS! Yes, she really did. Where does she get this stuff? I do not do housework of any sort. And the worst part is: I know that my playful episodes with my toys brings her great amusement, as well. She goes on and on saying things like, "Look how cute he is! He's so sweeeeet!" So why does she think I should pick up my toys after play?

See the photo on the bottom? That's me walking away! And do you see the toys still remaining on the carpet? Well, that's for her to take care of. It is a small price for her to pay, after all, for the entertainment I provide this family. She'll figure it out eventually. Maybe. Sigh.

I Already MIss My New Best Friend!

Meeewheredidshego?oowww!! We had visitors this past weekend at our home and one of those visitors instantly earned status as my new all-time best friend. My ladyperson and manperson have referred to her as their daughter-in-law so I guess that makes us family, but most importantly, she's my new best friend!

She was so kind to me and I could tell she really understood my needs: the ear-scratchings and back-rubbings she administered while we watched television together were absolutely divine! And she'd watch over me in my backyard as long as it took for me to erradicate all birds and insects from the premises.

She came to visit us from far way (Colorado, in fact) and I overheard that she's the ladyperson of two rowdy dogs. I'm thinking that if I play my cards right, maybe she'll see fit to let me visit her abode on occasion. I always have had a penchant for mountain-climbing and skiing and Colorado is ripe with both.

Of course I could never completely abandon my own ladyperson and manperson (I'm quite certain they could not function in society without my guidance) but perhaps I can talk my new best friend into sending her rowdy Jack Russell Terriers off to doggie summer camp while a not-so-rowdy smoky-haired cat with oodles of personality and finesse visits for a spell....

Whew! No More Homework!!

MeeeeNoMoreAlgebraooww! My ladyperson has been attending night school and for reasons unknown to me, she has seemed quite fretful over her chances of succeeding in her Algebra class. And as you can see, I was doing most of her homework. I even had to teach her how to use a scientific calculator but I'm too embarrassed (for her) to provide further details. Anyhow, we made a deal early on in the semester: I help her with her Algebra homework and she keeps me stocked in tasty cat treats and catnip. What more can I ask for? Of course, the Algebra was a cinch for me but she doesn't need to know that, now does she? Mmmmm ... cat treats...!

---> I had an emergency today and there was nobody here to tend to me! A rescue was in order but neither my ladyperson or manperson showed up to help! The smelly brown dog was outside in her doghouse but she'd have been of no use anyway. Here's what happened: Upon arising from my mid-morning nap (I always snooze a bit after watching "Price is Right"), I was leisurely snacking on some kibble when I saw something I've NEVER seen before: the bottom of my chowchow bowl!! The horror!! I never even knew there WAS a bottom to my bowl! I was in such distress that by the time my ladyperson came home that evening, she felt the need to perform CPR on me. I panted and weakly rolled my eyes toward my chowchow bowl and she got the message. That bowl is FULL now and I suspect she'll keep it that way for a long, long time. Besides, I'm pretty sure nether one of us enjoyed the CPR very much. Eeeewwww!!

---> Once again, summer is fast approaching and ONCE AGAIN I must retrain my ladyperson and manperson on the art of climate control. When they leave our abode each morning for their meager jobs, they tend to either 1) have the air conditioner at a totally inappropriate level of warmth, or 2) leave windows opened just enough that the horrid chirping of the neighborhood birds interferes with the depth of my mid-morning nap. It is clearly evident that they have not retained any of the knowledge I tried to impart on them this time last year. Oh, why do I tolerate them at all? Why, I ask you?

---> Winter is winding down and the warmer weather is fast approaching. In fact, most afternoons now my house gets a wee bit toasty. But I'm okay with that since I'm usually napping in a windowsill anyway. However: I must draw the line about my waterbowl: it should NEVER reach a lukewarm temperature. My ladyeperson knows that I require ice in my water to help maintain my perky personality. This is just one more thing I have to constantly remind her of. I'm thinking that if she were truly conscientious, she'd use her lunch hour to stop by the house and refresh my water bowl with the cool liquid I crave. But, alas, she is still greatly lacking in what I like to call 'home-training'.

---> On occasion when my ladyperson is walking across the room or down the hall, I dart in front of her and entwine myself between her feet as is customary for cats to do. Well, she does NOT understand this bit of cat logic and has on more than one occasion dared to ALMOST step on me!! She is always quick to apologize but that is entirely inconsequential. She either needs to accept this bit of cat etiquette (aka: cats always have the right of way) or she needs to stay outside because I will NOT be getting stepped on. The very idea....

---> OK, picture this: I'm minding my own business, snoozing peacefully on my ladyperson's bed pillow (likely dreaming of grilled shrimp, buttered scallops or some other such delicacy) and my ladyperson spots me and assumes it's perfectly sane to cuddle me RIGHT THEN! Of course it wakes me from my slumber! Ugh! I give her the obligatory purr or two, knead her bedspread (she calls that 'making biscuits'... whatever) and she eventually moseys on about her business. Then I have to reacquaint myself with my dream and hope nobody ate my shrimp while I was gone.

---> I have overheard my ladyperson on more than one occasion tell other humans the story of how it came to be that I should share a home with her and the manperson. You see, I was resting at the local animal shelter (I was simply between gigs, ok?) when she and the manperson happened to be visiting. Well, to hear HER tell it, I am "one lucky kitty" because, as she says, SHE CHOSE ME. Excuse me?? First of all, I do the choosing around here and - more importantly - THEY are the lucky ones. I can't believe she continues to tell this story as if they've done me a favor by inviting me into their home. I chose them and, I reiterate: THEY ARE THE LUCKY ONES. Period.

---> Summer is officially here. And that means air conditioning (perhaps the greatest invention of the human race, although I still say a cat gave them the idea.) Anyway, my ladyperson has this obscene habit of turning the air conditioner thermostat UP when she leaves the house each morning. By 'UP', I mean she adjusts the temperature so that the house gets significantly warmer as the day progresses. Now she says it's all in the name of economy, but I have a better word and that word is "C-H-E-A-P". She knows I'm here all day ... how does she expect me to remain comfortable at 78 degrees? Hello?!? But that's ok: once I figured out what was happening, I simply started changing the thermostat to what I want as soon as she leaves. Of course, I change it back before she returns home in the evening. Aaaahhhh... sometimes it gets so nippy in here, I have to snuggle mid-day in her bedcovers! Too bad for the stupid brown dog that she stays outside in the backyard all day. But, oh well, we can't all be cats, now can we?!